The darn blood/brain barriar

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  I keep meaning to sit down with the computer but happily I have received lots of visitors and my kids are home for the summer.

It is hard to know exactly where to start.  I guess it all begins with some really bad headaches....really bad.  After an MRI, it was determined that the brain cancer was on the move again.  The headaches were so bad they would make me throw up.  Eventually I would passout and just collapse onto the floor.  There is this strange thing called the blood/brain barrier.  The best I can explain it is that cancer is altimately a blood disease and chemo treats the blood.  Chemotherapy drugs do not infiltrate to the brain.  So although my tumor count in the body was good, my brain was being invaded.  It was my understanding that once they fully radiate your brain (which we had done last year) there was nothing else the doctors could do.

My doctors asked if I wanted to try this new treatment.  There wasn't a great prognosis; three to six months.  But I decided to take the odds.  It was quite the whirl wind of surgery and doctors appointments, finding people to help with the kids and the house, but soon I realized that it just wasn't going to work.  I lost a lot of memory.  My poor dad.  We would leave somewhere in the car, then I would get sick to my stomach and pass out.  I think I woke up in every Emergency Room between here and Baltimore.  I think the confusion was the worst.  It was so bad I started actually asking my dad who he was.  My head was still hurting, I developed a huge blood clot in my leg and couldn't walk on it.

Two weeks ago it was time.  With tears in her eyes, my doctor told me that it was time for them to stop treating me.  We had gotten close and I had talked to her many times about the quality of life versus the quantity.  I can't live what is left of my life worrying about Trent and Ian coming to see me in the hospital. As it was I wasn't able to attend Trent's birthday party  and missed several baseball games.

When I got home I talked to the boys.  I have had to do some tough and painful things in my life, but that was probably the toughest.  Since then, it seems like the house has been filled with people. And, being a people person, I quite like that.  It is very frustrating not to be able to cook food or straighten up the house for guests, but I have enjoyed seeing people. 

I guess this should be a sad time, but really I am quite happy.  I went with my gut and took the boys to Disney and Lego Land in the spring.  That was a really good call!  We went ahead with basketball mighty mites in the spring for Ian and baseball for Trent.  And I am hoping against hope to make it to my last big goal....going with Ian to his first day of school.  I have said it before.  It really isn't dying I am afraid of, it is the leaving.