The sun is shining!

After several weeks of rain, this morning I am looking out the window at a lush green lawn with streaming rays of sunshine! It is going to be a beautiful day! We are going to do some housework this morning and then head to Trent's baseball game this afternoon. Glen and Cindy are going to take the kids to a cousin's birthday party this evening and the boys are all packed for their sleepover with 'Memaw and Pepaw' tonight! Brad and I are going out to celebrate with a nice dinner. (And maybe a trip to the grocery store.)

We are celebrating because I saw my medical oncologist on Wednesday and she delieverd some very good news! My tumor marker (CEA) has gone from 189 to 62! The normal person would register a 32 so I am SOOOO headed in the right direction! My 15 days of brain radiation ends on Tuesday so we will celebrate that as well!

I started my Xeloda again yesterday. My doctor and I discussed some ways to better deal with the side effects and so far they seem to be working! My radiation side effects haven't been that bad. My head is burnt, my mouth is dry and my hair is pretty much gone. Last time I just shaved it, but this time my scalp is much to tender for that. There was something oddly cathartic about standing in the back yard, rubbing my hands through my hair and watching it all float away on the breeze.

I have decided that life is way to unpredictable and busy to spend too much time worrying about things like side effects. This week some very good friends of ours lost their father to a sudden heart attack. I can't in a million years imagine how they must be feeling so if you have a few minutes, I would really appreciate a quick prayer for them as they go through the grieving process. Life is just way too short and very fragile. And it is so important to enjoy each day.... celebrate all those little victories while the sun is shining.

The Shoe

When my cancer came back in 2008, my oncologist gave Brad and I some advice. She said, "Now that you are stage 4, you need to think about the things you want to do and do them. Don't wait and say you will do them next year." Shortly after that doctors visit, I told Brad I really wanted to take the kids to Disney. It took almost a year, but we saved, studied and planned and made the trip happen. At the time Trent was five and Ian was two. In a perfect world, I would have waited until they were a little older, but it turned out all right and we had a great time!

A couple of days ago I unearthed the scrap book I made from our Disney trip. The boys and I huddled in bed looking at the pictures and talking about our wonderful memories we made. When we got to the end of the book, Trent motioned to the very back which has a picture of a shoe with writing on it. I had totally forgotten the shoe story, but it made me laugh as I read it to them. The story on the shoe said:

'When Brad looked at this scrap book he pointed out that one key story had yet to be told. The story consists of a shoe, a hotel safe, two little boys, and one security guard. Our first morning Brad tried to lock the laptop in the room safe, but couldn't get the door to open. So, the second morning when I saw that Ian had opened the safe my only thoughts were of what a bright two-year-old he must be. Both boys then huddled around the safe while Brad and I finished getting everything ready for the day. Once we were dressed, the backpacks were packed and the room straightened we asked the boys to put on their shoes. That is when Trents started laughing and said, "Ian put his shoe in the safe and closed it, that means he can't go." Upon further investigation, we discovered that Ian was FRAMED! To add insult to injury, clever Trent had locked not Ian's, but his OWN shoe in the safe. It quickly became the scene of chaos. Trent sobbing that he was going to be left behind, Brad yelling about how we can't take the boys anywhere, and Ian with both shoes, jacket and backpack on repeating, "I ready to go now." We had to wait about 10 minutes for the stoic security guard to come and open the safe. That's when I could finally start laughing.'

A LONG distance call

My mom and I went through our phases throughout life, just as I would guess most mothers and daughters do. As I matured and grew we became what I considered best friends in my 20's. When I lived in Charleston, we talked several times a day on the phone. When I moved back to Martinsburg and long distance calls were no longer an issue, we talked all the time. Dad and my brothers used to tease us about our frequent calls so much that I started keeping track. The average was five calls a day. I have no idea what we had to talk about so frequently, but I do wonder if she were here today if I would have to 'up' my texting plan. When I was traveling and she was sick, I would call her in the morning before class, when I dismissed the class for lunch, and at at least once in the evening before I went to bed. It was just what we did.

My mom died on December 13, 2002. Trent was born on June 14, 2003. Looking back on my life prior to then, I believe they were the most profound events with the largest impact on me. I still think about how close they were to meeting each other. I will never forget the warm day in April 2004 when Trent took his first step in our family room. I grabbed the cordless phone and hit the talk button before I realized what I was doing. We had experienced so many of his 'firsts' that year, but it was something about him walking that made me grab that phone. I slowly put it down with a smile.

In the years since her death I realize she has been with me many times, but it isn't the same as being able to pick up the phone. We never shared a Mother's Day and I feel like I should have made a bigger deal out of the day when she was here. I hope she knew how much our entire family appreciated her.

Tomorrow Brad is cooking a big meal and our families are coming over to celebrate all the 'mothers' in our lives. So, to everyone who has lost their mother, is celebrating with their mother, is a mother, or serves as a mother figure to someone...I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Wednesday...the beginning AND the end...

This morning dad and I traveled to Johns Hopkins to review my most recent brain MRI with my radiation oncologist who had treated me after my brain tumor. The findings weren't too favorable this time. The membrane or 'saran wrap' around my brain is more swollen this time indicating that the cancer has spread. Unfortunatley the chemotherapy is not very effective against this kind of metastasis so she recommends whole brain radiation. I quickly shot out a few questions about this radiation, but I was a little unorganized since I wasn't really expecting news like this. Whole brain is a daily radiation and she recommended seeing my radiation oncologist here in Martinsburg for treatment. That worked well since I was due at his office at 4pm for shoulder radiation.

So, good old Doctor Kiggundu has scheduled me for whole brain radiation setup tomorrow afternoon. I have a list of questions for him. I do know that I will have severe fatigue, get another wonderful mask, and will lose my hair. But truthfully, I am more interested in driving restrictions. So, tonight I am headed outside to hang out with the boys and tomorrow I am going to work. And Wednesday will mark the end of my shoulder radiation and the beginning of my whole brain radiation. I can't believe I just bought a giant new bottle of shampoo. Dang!

Time With Trent

As I get used to the new side effects, I am finding that mornings tend to be the worst, they are random and there is little notice when the morning is going to go downhill. A few weeks ago, I got out of bed and knew I wasn’t feeling the best. I managed to get myself ready, got the boys up, and the cereal bowls on the table before I started getting sick…really sick. As I was starting to think about how I would get Trent to school on time, I heard him in the kitchen. He poured the cereal and milk, got the spoons, and made chocolate milk for both he and Ian. After they ate he fed the dogs and played Simon Says with Ian (a common trick we use to hurry him along when he gets dressed.) I sat in the chair and helped him put toothpaste on the toothbrushes then he helped me put on my socks. He put everything in his book bag, put his shoes on, and got his jacket. Then he turned to me and said, “Mom, I really want to go to school with my friends, but if you need me to stay here with you I can.” I could see the worry in his face and it reminded me of the days that I was in the hospital. I took a deep breath and told him I was already feeling better and had sent a text to Pappy and he was taking Ian for the afternoon so I could take a nap. I guaranteed that by the time school was over I would be good as new! Then I crossed my fingers in hopes that I wasn’t telling him a big fat lie!!

On the way to school I realized that, without the help of my 7-year-old, I would not have made it out the door that morning. We weren’t even late for school. And, as I watched the other kids get out of their cars, I wondered how many of the first graders had taken care of their mom and brother that morning. There were a lot of things I thought about that morning and I decided that it was time that I sat down with Trent and had a very frank discussion about my disease. It is a conversation I have been dreading since he was four months old.

This week Trent is on spring break and on Tuesday we dropped Ian off at preschool and I took Trent to breakfast. It dawned on me that I don’t make time for the two of us to spend together, so this is going to be the first of many outings for Trent and me. Although I consider our conversation private, I was struck by some of his questions and some of his ideas. Maybe he will be the one who unlocks the mystery of cancer one day. Sometimes he seems so grown up. I do feel guilty because I am not the mom that I thought I would be when I had children, but I realized that this is his normal and he doesn’t know any different. He is used to the fact that his mom spends all kinds of time at the doctor’s office and he doesn’t realize that other kids don’t sit in the phlebotomy lab and wait for mom’s blood draws. I know it scared him when I was in the hospital and it bothered him when I couldn’t drive and when I was in a wheelchair. But he is brave and he is strong. He is carrying a lot of weight on those seven-year-old shoulders. And, even if he was the best athlete in the area with the top grades, I couldn’t be more proud of him.

Made it through the first 14 days!

Last night I finished off the Xeloda for the first 14 days of my 21 day cycle! So I am now on my 7 days off and then will start another 14 day cycle. I don't really think anyone wants to hear the details, but I am having some stomach issues and fatigue. Mentally, my biggest issues with these side effects is that I haven't really figured out a pattern. After over seven years of cancer drugs, I know to look for the patterns and work around them. So far all I have figured out is that mornings are the worst and I never really know until I wake up how I will feel for that day. This makes planning a little tricky!

I saw my doctor this week and we discussed my side effects. I really like her, but she was somewhat of a killjoy. I thought my seven days off would be like a vacation, but she said that some side effects don't even start to show up until the seven day break. Then she told me that the side effects tend to accumulate and get worse as you go through the cycles. Bummer. But, she did say if my stomach issues continue, she will adjust my dosage so that it is more tolerable. This is common for this drug and I have had to have d0sage adjustments with drugs before. They tend to base the 'standard' drug dosages on body surface area and I am a big girl with a very low tolerance for drugs.

I also started radiation on my shoulder yesterday. This has been something that has bothered me since my surgery in November and was irritated by the use of crutches, the walker, and the cane. There have just been so many other issues to deal with that this was on the back burner for a while. I have pretty much lost the use of the arm and have gotten tired of trying to put mascara on with my left hand. I will have ten days of radiation on the shoulder and hope to have it working again in no time! If this radiation works as well as that on my pelvis, I should be in great shape as I am now walking independently!

So, for now I am going to try to enjoy my afternoons, get through my mornings, and concentrate on some fun things we have going on this weekend!! We are having a fun family Easter weekend! If the weather cooperates, Trent will participate in baseball opening ceremonies and will play his first baseball game on Saturday!

Thank you to everyone for so generously donating to my Relay for Life Team. I have fallen behind on my thank-yous, but I do appreciate all your support and you will be hearing from me soon! Have a Happy Easter!!!

Hummingbird Rescue!

We live on a wooded lot and get a lot of chances to observe nature. The boys have bug boxes for caterpillars (which sometimes do make their cocoons and turn into butterflies). We watch the deer and watch robin eggs hatch in my hanging baskets. Each year we have several hummingbirds that come on a daily basis to enjoy my coral bells, petunia waves and, of course, our hummingbird feeders. Our birds aren’t afraid of us as they have a daily time that they visit and if I happen to be gardening then, they just work around me. The picture is from last fall and I was just sitting on the deck with a regular digital camera.

At least once each summer though, one of these small birds ends up stuck in the garage. We try to have a butterfly net on hand for such occasions so we can catch and release them. Last summer when Brad brought the boys home from their day, they found a poor hummingbird in the garage. We suspect he got trapped the night before and wasn’t able to escape when we closed up for the night and then left in the morning. Brad caught the bird, but when he got him out of the net, the bird just went limp. Trying to think quickly, and with both boys watching, Brad sent Trent inside for a glass of sweet tea. Trent returned with a tall glass of tea complete with lots of ice cubes. (I guess our literal thinker figured Brad was going to enjoy a refreshing glass while contemplating what to do with the bird.) Brad fished out some of the ice, turned the bird over and stuck his beak into the glass. He said in seconds the birds tongue came out of his beak and he started drinking the tea. He pulled the bird out for a breather then stuck his little beak back into the glass for another drink. Suddenly, the hummingbird perked up and when Brad loosened his grip, he flew away.

When I got home from work, the boys were so excited to tell me about their big rescue! We hung our feeder this week and the boys started with, “hey mom, do you remember the time the hummingbird drank the tea?”