'Tis the Season

We had a wonderful Christmas this year! It was a group effort and it turned out great! The boys were really excited and seeing their faces full of anticipation made me look in the sky to see if Santa really was on his way! They were both so excited on Christmas Eve to pick out the cookies (thanks Aunt Carol and Mary) that they thought Santa would like best! It was so magical for them and I can't explain how precious these Christmas memories will be. On Christmas morning Santa had put out lots of presents (thanks Doug) and they were up at 4:30am to see if it was time to go downstairs! I made them wait until 5am before realizing that no one was going back to sleep (thanks dad for being a good sport).

We had a relaxing morning around the tree, with great breakfast casseroles (thanks Lisa, Teresa, and Cindy) and lots of assembling and building. My in-laws came up to enjoy the day with us and it was perfect! We are taking it easy this holiday season and we are having a lot of fun!

If you invited us to a party this season and we declined, I want to let you know that the week before Christmas I was denied chemotherapy because my white counts were too low. I had been fighting a cold and endured two back-to-back weeks of the chemo drug. My doctors asked me to be careful about going places with lots of people in close quarters. It was kind of a blessing in disguise as I was able to relax and we were able to keep Christmas low-key. I was pleasantly surprised with great counts this week and the boys continued to enjoy new toys while dad and I went to Hopkins today for chemo and the pleurix tube was removed!

We are looking forward to seeing my brothers and their families this weekend for a 'good old-fashioned Gusic family Christmas.' Then we will attempt to stay up late and watch the ball drop. I have lots of hopes and dreams for 2012. It is going to be a good year!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas that you enjoy many blessings in the coming New Year!

Beware the Bear

I did promise a few funny stories. This is one of my favorites and I usually have a hard time telling it without laughing.


It was Labor Day weekend, 2008. My cancer had come back in the spring and we had been dealing with surgeries and medicine changes and a little bit of stress all summer. Our wonderful friends and next door neighbors invited us to their cabin in beautiful Pocahontas County. They had asked us several times before, but this time we REALLY needed to get away. Most of her family, complete with lots of kids the boys ages, would be there and we were very excited!


There was so much for the boys to do and the first day was so much fun! We got there, unloaded, played on the swings, caught salamanders at the pond, rode the trails, walked down to the river, did a little fishing, and lots of visiting. It was just beautiful and they all treated us like part of their family. The fresh air made us all tired and well after the sun had set we headed to the guest room. There were two twin beds; one for Trent and Brad; one for Ian and I. Ian wasn't even two yet and he had a tough time falling asleep, by the time he fell asleep Brad was snoring so loud that Trent started to complain, then Trent fell asleep so soundly that we were all awakened a few hours later when Brad shot out of bed to shout, "Trent just peed on me." Needless to say, it was not a restful night.


The next day, after a lot of outside fun and a wonderful bonfire cookout, we opted to head home instead of staying another night. It was late and the boys fell asleep quickly. As we rode along, Brad and I chatted and listened to the radio. Suddenly, I started feeling like my stomach was being tied in knots. With all my meds, I never really knew why I would have these attacks, but I did know that I was going to need a bathroom...soon! It was the middle of the night and we were on some very remote roads. Brad promised that there was a store up ahead. By the time we got to the store, I was shaking and sweating. The store was CLOSED. There was nothing. Not even a port-a-pot near the picnic area.


As we pulled out of the parking lot, Brad promised that there would be someplace several miles down the road. Suddenly, I realized that I could not last any longer. After several failed attempts to find a place to pull over, he found something. As soon as that truck came to a stop, I hopped out, closed the door, ran toward the woods, and dropped trou. I didn't have any clue where we were, it was pitch dark, and I think that is the sickest I have ever been. Brad rolled down the window a little and said, "hurry up, someone is going to come." I tried to think of something clever like, 'I am having such a fun time I thought I'd stay out here,' but when I looked up to reply, the window was already rolled up. It was then I realized that the truck was shaking. Because he was laughing so hard.


I collected myself and got back in the truck. I think Brad wasn't sure if I would be mad or not so we rode in silence for quite some time. Then he started laughing, a real uncontrollable laugh that he couldn't hold in anymore. What I hadn't realized is that we were in a park-n-ride area when we pulled over. Brad could hardly contain his laughter while saying: "the DNR is going to be on high alert for some dying bear when they see that on Tuesday." Then we both laughed. And for every trip after, he was sure to point out the park-n-rides and ask if I needed to stop.

Selfless Giving

This past year has been, among other things, a huge learning experience for me. I'm sure you can imagine what I am talking about. I could spread things out and make an entire four-year college curriculum from the things life has taught me this year. But I think I learned the biggest lesson last night.

This fall and winter we have been helped by so many people. On the top of my list is always my dad and my in-laws who I couldn't live without. There are also friends and family who have taken care of mowing, cleaning, working in the yard, and helping with the kids. I haven't had to worry about where are meals are going to come from. It seems that food just appears out of no where. There is my best friend, Aly, who visits me and is always there for me to bounce ideas off of...never judging...always being the best friend a girl can have! A group of Brad's terrific friends who spent an entire Saturday working on unfinished parts of the basement and got it looking great! We had friends take us to The Lion King Broadway production (something I have always wanted to see). We have had total strangers fix the car, assessors give us values, dry clean our coats; without accepting payment. And I can't forget about the Saylor Family Fun Night that my co-workers and friends worked so hard to put together.

I guess pride makes it hard for me to accept these acts of kindnesses without being embarassed. Brad and I were always proud that we could go it alone, make things work, and get through anything. But someone once told me, "Toni, when you give to someone else, it gives you joy. So don't steal that joy from someone else. Be gracious and don't steal their joy."

A few weeks ago I started getting emails from a woman at our church. We are members of a large Catholic church and I hate to say it, but I don't know all our church family members by name, but I never forget a face. So, when she friended me on facebook, I knew who she was, but we didn't know each other. She had a group of 'elves' who wanted to help our kids have a memorable Christmas and she needed a little information. Well, what she did with that 'little information' was amazing.

Last night the doorbell rang and 'elves' sprinted back across the yard...trying to keep their identy a secret. The boys went to answer the doorbell and started yelling and bringing in package after package. They were happy to see the note from Santa that said they could open them right then as long as it was OK with me. As they started separating the presents into piles, I looked out the window to see people with candles walking toward the front porch. The 'elves' had picked up some friends and we had the pleasure of listening to about 60 beautiful carolers. There was a guitar and bell choir as well! Standing on the porch looking at them with their candles and santa hats, realizing some of them I knew but others I didn't; I learned one more lesson.

This lesson is called selfless giving to a total stranger. I can't believe someone who doesn't even know me would go through such great lengths to help me make this a memorable Christmas for my kids. They will remember standing there with me long after I am gone. Just like the Saylor Family night, they are going to talk about it all the time. It also made me think that selfless giving is something I do not do nearly enough. Last night I started to ask myself, if the tables were turned, would I have spent so much time during the holiday season trying to help out someone I didn't know to have a Merrier Christmas? I am really embarassed to admit that I am pretty sure the answer would have been 'no'.

I always tried to be generous, but the truth is that I could do more. It has been difficult for me to swallow my pride and be a gracious receiver this year. But, the truth is that I needed you. All of you. This has been hard and I could never have gotten through this fall without the love and support of people I know as well as those that I don't. We have been receiving, but we are in great shape now. It is time for me to give it back, pay it forward, practice what I preach. I would like to thank Marti and her elves for showing me how I too can be creative and help someone who is in need....even someone I don't really know.

To you guys who read my blog, I want to thank you. And I want you to know that we are going to be OK! But, if you would really like to help us this Christmas, look around for another family or another person who is lonely, or missing a loved one, or is sick and help them out on behalf of us. Father Brian always tells us that Christmas is not a day....it is a season. So, we still have plenty of time. I will be trying to teach my boys another memorable lesson this Christmas. Something I forget sometimes....it is truly better to give than receive.

The best

I had a huge amount of respect for her...and a little bit of fear of her too. I never wanted to disappoint her. She was a wonderful motivator and I knew she was my biggest fan. She was super organized and I always knew that she had my back. She worked so hard to make every holiday special. Each and every birthday was a celebration. She was honest and kind. She taught me everything I know about having strength and knowing when to fight. She grew up poor, but always made her childhood stories sound so rich. My dad was the love of her life. She taught me how to walk, how to study, and how to weed out 'the good ones.' She was my best friend.

It was through her fight with cancer that I learned that you can push through a lot of pain and fear to try to find a normal balance in life. In her final days she taught me not to be afraid. She gave me faith. We would have never imagined how much I would need those final lessons. I try to talk about her often so the boys will know how great she was. I was so blessed to have such a wonderful mother for 28 years. She was the best.

Gwendolyn Blackmon Gusic

February 18, 1951-December 13, 2002

Christmas Eve Chemo

One of our favorite chemo stories happened on Christmas Eve 2003. It was Trent's first Christmas and my chemo session happened to fall on Christmas Eve. We debated on whether or not to adjust the days, but it just seemed easier to go ahead and work chemo into Christmas Eve. With my original diagnosis, I had four sessions of one kind of chemo then four sessions of another type of drug. Christmas Eve was to be the first session of the second drug. So, I had already weathered four sessions and my dad and Scott had taken turns taking me. We had all just been through a year of cancer treatments with my mom and we all knew that chemo can mean a VERY long day.

If you had the pleasure of knowing Brad, you would have known that, if given the choice between a day of manual labor and 15 minutes waiting in a doctors office, he would take the manual labor. Hands down. Brad was off on Christmas Eve and insisted on taking his turn with a chemo trip. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted that this would be fine! He assured me that it would all work out and he could do it. He didn't mind waiting on the chemo and felt sure we could still make it home to take Trent to a family party that evening. They had told me that the chemo would take three hours and he had it all calculated perfectly!

So, Christmas Eve morning we headed to Baltimore and sat and waited to see the doctor, then we sat and waited for the pharmacy to mix the drugs, then we sat and waited for an open chemo seat, then we sat and waited for an IV, then we sat and waited for the pre-meds to drip. I thought he was doing a great job at waiting. Every so often I would see his leg bounce a little and he would wring his hands, but he didn't say anything. Then the nurse came in with a giant bag, hung it on the pole and said, "OK Mrs. Saylor, now that will drip for three hours, we will flush you, and you can be on your way." I literally thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head!

I still smile when I think of how we drove home at the speed of light that night. I don't quite remember how fast we went, but I do know that although Brad accompanied me to lots of doctors appointments after that, he didn't accompany me to another chemo! When we would laugh about it he would just say, "come on...I was 29-years-old taking my wife to chemo. It was our baby's first Christmas and I had just spent 8 hours of my life in a doctors office on a very uncomfortable chair! What heartless trooper would give a ticket to a guy like that!" He was so much fun and our stories still make me laugh!!

Chemo...round whatever...ding ding

The port went in fine last Tuesday and on Wednesday my brother and his family came in for Thanksgiving. We all gathered at Scott's on Thursday to celebrate Thanksgiving. It was a great meal and a wonderful visit. As much as I love Christmas, it is hard to beat a holiday that is all about visiting with friends and family, eating, and watching football! Brad and I enjoyed the eating and then scouring the sale ads, trying to stretch those Christmas Club dollars as far as they would go. I guess that's why I got them. The blues.

I realized over the past week that when the sun came up I was wishing it would go back down again. The mornings have been hard, but once I get in a good cry I can get up and get on with my day. Maybe it is the holidays or maybe it is the coming to closure of some of the things on my enormous list of 'to dos,' or maybe it is just part of the process. Whatever it is, I've just been more on the sad side of life and I really miss Brad. I'm sure he doesn't realize it, but my dad taking the kids to school each morning has totally saved me. I could never get them there on time right now.

Then there was the start of a new chemo yesterday. I don't know why, but I always get a little anxious when I start a new chemo drug. You would think that after eight years of this I would be over it...but I'm not. Yesterdays chemo was a turn point for me. My appointment was in the afternoon so we didn't leave Martinsburg until 1pm. Which gave me time for my cry, shower, and straightening up the house. Dad brought me some crab legs. (I know that sounds luxurious but one pound tastes good and stays in. My other food is rice and bagels.) We ran some errands and were off.

We sailed into Hopkins to meet with my doctor. I have lots of anti-nausea meds and strict orders to forget everything I ever learned about eating. I keep losing weight and, although I am a pretty big girl, it is time to stop the trend. She promotes little servings with lots of calories. "Whole cream in your coffee, add a scoop of ice cream to your smoothy, eat good protiens," she said. I used to have dreams about a doctor telling me that!

By the time I was out of the chemo chair it was after 5pm and we knew the traffic would be one big snarl. So, dad and I headed to the cafeteria for some dinner. For the record I did eat almost all of a 6 inch turkey sub...go me! Realizing that it was getting close to shift change, we went upstairs to the 5th floor where I stayed when I was hospitalized. The nurses had called to say we left our phone charger. I used that as an excuse to go up. I really don't care about the charger, but I REALLY wanted to see them. I couldn't belive that they remembered me! It was so good to see them! I hated that I missed seeing some of them but the hugs and smiling faces of the nurses I did get to see made me feel so good and, well, happy!

Another thing happened during chemo yesterday. I was sitting in the chemo chair and started thinking about Brad, so I told dad a story and I laughed. It felt so good. And I thought of another on the way home and I laughed even harder. I laughed so hard I could barely finish my sentences! I love to tell a good funny story about Brad and I. So, my next blogs are going to be some our funny times. I must note that they will seem funnier to people who have taken care of a cancer patient before.

We picked the boys up from Glen and Cindy's. They had them all washed up, in their pj's and ready for us! It was late and we had time for a story and then bed. Then I sat down and went through book bags, put things on the calendar, opened mail, dad heated the compress for my arm that is having issues, and then I opted to sleep in my bed instead of the recliner. I slept great and got out of bed when the boys started coming out of their rooms! I helped get them ready and I'm getting ready to head to work this morning. This has been a much better morning! I even found my smile!

In good timing, there is a Mass for Brad at church tonight. I will be there thanking him for all those funny stories we made together. I can replay them a million times in my mind. When I get stuck with the blues, those stories will make me feel like he is right here with me, pushing me to get up and get going. Life is waiting.