How are you?

'How are you?' is a question I get asked many times each day. I usually respond with something like, 'oh, we are making it through,' or ' taking things one day at a time,' or 'we are doing fine.' There are a handful of people that I can frankly tell that there are many times I would like to run out into my yard and yell a few choice words as loud as I possibly can.

The other evening I started to think about it. Really, how am I? Well, sometimes I am sad. Really, really sad. But I can't fall apart at the seams because I typically have two little sets of eyes on me. So I let them see me sad, just not really really sad. Sometimes I am angry. Angry at me, angry at him, angry at the world. Sometimes I look at people and I wonder what it would feel like to have your mother and your husband with you...oh and to not have cancer. I'm not even jealous, I just wonder what it would feel like.

There are times that I am just plain caught off guard. Like last week when Trent and I were having lunch and he said, "you know mom, everyone in my class has a dad." And there are times when I look around and I think of how blessed I am. Like when friends come to mulch my gardens, clean my house, mow my lawn, help me look for things, feed us dinner, fix things around the house, and meet me for lunch. So many of my family have bent over backwards to see that our needs are met. That makes me feel loved.

I remember these feelings and their phases from losing my mom. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. Sometimes the boys laugh and sometimes they cry. We talk and we pray and I try to help them through all the different ways they feel.

But, when the day is done and I put my head on the pillow at night I feel like half of me is missing. And I pray that one day when someone asks how I am doing I can honestly say I am doing great.