8.03.2012

Don't count me out yet!

I do realize that I am in the care of Hospice now.  I am not asking for any kind of special treatment.  I know miracles happen and with God anything is possible.  I also know there are lots of people praying for a miracle and much more deserving of a miracle than I am.  Families enduring more awful experiences than I am.  I am trying not to have unrealistic expectations but as I have said before....I have just always lived on the sunny side of life.
My issue as of late is a bed sore.  Yuck!  I also have issues getting sick to my stomach.  With persistence, both of these issues are going away, but they sure do slow me down.  The bed sore is very sore and has kept me in bed, laying on my side most of the time.  Dad and I spend lots of time trying to figure out how to get rid of the stomach issues.  With the help of the nurses, we have tried to figure out why I toss cookies when I go somewhere in the car and the motion comes to a stop.  Depending on the day or time or time of day, you could stop by the house and see me looking really good or really not.  I just never really know.

I am getting used to the culture of Hospice.  Our local Hospice helped my mom in her last few weeks of life and we had a wonderful experience.  Once again they are being very helpful.  I am very happy with their care and they give my dad some relief and reassurance.  He is a very good caregiver.  One day, while discussing my care, a nurse asked my dad if I wanted to continue treating the bed sore or not. To be honest, I had wondered myself if this was the end.  But had decided that, after almost 9 years of fighting, I didn't want this bed sore to be the end of my battle. 

A few days ago we had an incident that made Trent very emotional.  He laid in the bed with me and just cried his little heart out.  As I lay there with my arms around him, all I could think of was how much he still needs me here.  Not having Brad is very hard on him and the thought of losing his me scares him very much.  He needs his mom and he needs me to continue sharing stories about his dad.  Lots of stories.

So I have increased my protien and caloric intake to help my body get stronger.  I have started using my walker to walk in the house to work my muscles.  I've gotten up and taken little rides in the car and tried to change positions more often in the bed.  Wednesday night I achieved my first goal.  I went to a Mass of healing at St. Leo church.  It was a great Mass and I felt so refreshed when we left!  I would like to thank all my family who attended and would like that I pray for all the people who are praying for their own healing. 


Trent sat beside me during Mass. Sometimes he would hold my hand and that reminded me why I am going to keep working.  Even if it is just for one more day!

Thanks to everyone for your support, your visits, food, help around the house,

Don't count me out yet....I still have some more memories to make!

7.22.2012

The darn blood/brain barriar

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  I keep meaning to sit down with the computer but happily I have received lots of visitors and my kids are home for the summer.

It is hard to know exactly where to start.  I guess it all begins with some really bad headaches....really bad.  After an MRI, it was determined that the brain cancer was on the move again.  The headaches were so bad they would make me throw up.  Eventually I would passout and just collapse onto the floor.  There is this strange thing called the blood/brain barrier.  The best I can explain it is that cancer is altimately a blood disease and chemo treats the blood.  Chemotherapy drugs do not infiltrate to the brain.  So although my tumor count in the body was good, my brain was being invaded.  It was my understanding that once they fully radiate your brain (which we had done last year) there was nothing else the doctors could do.

My doctors asked if I wanted to try this new treatment.  There wasn't a great prognosis; three to six months.  But I decided to take the odds.  It was quite the whirl wind of surgery and doctors appointments, finding people to help with the kids and the house, but soon I realized that it just wasn't going to work.  I lost a lot of memory.  My poor dad.  We would leave somewhere in the car, then I would get sick to my stomach and pass out.  I think I woke up in every Emergency Room between here and Baltimore.  I think the confusion was the worst.  It was so bad I started actually asking my dad who he was.  My head was still hurting, I developed a huge blood clot in my leg and couldn't walk on it.

Two weeks ago it was time.  With tears in her eyes, my doctor told me that it was time for them to stop treating me.  We had gotten close and I had talked to her many times about the quality of life versus the quantity.  I can't live what is left of my life worrying about Trent and Ian coming to see me in the hospital. As it was I wasn't able to attend Trent's birthday party  and missed several baseball games.

When I got home I talked to the boys.  I have had to do some tough and painful things in my life, but that was probably the toughest.  Since then, it seems like the house has been filled with people. And, being a people person, I quite like that.  It is very frustrating not to be able to cook food or straighten up the house for guests, but I have enjoyed seeing people. 

I guess this should be a sad time, but really I am quite happy.  I went with my gut and took the boys to Disney and Lego Land in the spring.  That was a really good call!  We went ahead with basketball mighty mites in the spring for Ian and baseball for Trent.  And I am hoping against hope to make it to my last big goal....going with Ian to his first day of school.  I have said it before.  It really isn't dying I am afraid of, it is the leaving.

6.05.2012

Post Surgery - June 2012

It was a beautiful day in Baltimore, MD.  Well, I have been out of surgery for a while.  My head is clear and I feel good.  Actually, the only thing that hurts is my throat where they had to put the tubing in and out!  I'm waiting on the go ahead to eat something and watching Everyone Loves Raymond!  Thanks to everyone for everything today.  All the prayers and support.  All the happy thoughts.  My great friend Mandy who was cleaning my house.  My kids who were so cooperative and were so sweet when I called them to tonight.  I had sent them a few pictures and they were just so cute when we talked.  Glen and Cindy took the boys and Casey all day and night and knowing that they are safe and happy is the best part of my day!  I don't have much else to do but relax and get good sleep tonight.

The hopes for tomorrow are to be able to eat and get a dose of chemo before I leave tomorrow!  Thanks for everything today everyone!  Have a good night.

5.30.2012

Spring 2012 Update


This has been a great spring for us!  As you know from my blog, we had a great trip to Florida and our family made some terrific family memories.  In May we celebrated Trent's First Communion with so many of our family and friends.  I would like to thank everyone for their gifts for Trent and all the cards and well wishes.  To a Catholic child, a First Communication celebrates a special passage in a young child's life.  Trent seemed so growned up on his First Communication and it brought back so many special memories from the spring when I was in 2nd grade.  I am so very proud of Trent.  I need to thank Cindy for jumping right up and getting the celebration set.  We all had a great time!  Celebrating his 1st Communion is something I have have prayed about since Trent was born and I am feel so blessed that I was able to experience it with him!

We also celebrated Brittany's graduation from WVU Medical School.  I am so happy that I was able to go with Dad to celebrate with Brittany, Scott, and Brittany's family in Morgantown.  I am so proud of her and she has worked so hard to reach this huge goal.  She is so very smart and has proved it with all of her awards and accomplishments.  I am so thankful that they have found eachother and hope they have so many years of happiness!


In May we also got to celebrate Ian's Pre-Kindergarten graduation.  It seems unreal to me that in the fall, Ian will be a full-time Kindergarten student.  He has grown up so much and I know that there will be so many wonderful things to come in his future!!

The end of May is kind of up in the air.  I am getting some questions and to be honest I don't have a lot of answers right now.  I started getting upset to my stomach and having other cancer-related symptoms like headaches, dizziness, confusion, etc.  My doctors have changed my chemo and, at this point, it is a trial to see if we can get something to work to stop any progression.  So, right now I'm just asking for prayers for my family and I.  Because,as the changes are more prounounced, I have had to share some more about my medical condition with both boys.  My intent has never been to provide fear to my chidren but you know honest does sometimes give fear.  We have lots of help and sources, but this is the hardest part for me.  Please pray for us as we navigate the next stage of my journey and how our family will progress.

It is hard to believe that June is almost here!

5.09.2012

Spring Break 2012



Several months ago during a date night the boys and I were talking about vacations. I decided to take a risk and ask them, "if you could go anywhere, where would it be?"  Without hesitation, Trent blurted out, "LegoLand."  Ian took a few minutes before deciding he wanted to see Mickey Mouse and his castle.   How lucky am I that the boys picked two destinations only a short ride away from each other in sunny Florida.

While the ideas rolled around in my head, I did enough research to realize there are lots of options when putting together a Disney vacation!  I didn't do nearly as much planning and research as I typically would and there just seemed to be so many choices.  So I found a local travel agent and he helped me put together a great vacation!  On April 9th Trent, Ian, Dad and I got on a plane and we flew back on April 13th.  It was such a great time and we made lots of memories.

We bought a park hopper ticket, stayed in a Disney Hotel, spent lots of time at the Magic Kingdom and MGM Studios, spent a day at LegoLand, visited the really cool dragon pool at the hotel, took a boat ride to Downtown Disney, and had lots of time for rides!  Trent and Ian enjoyed everything about the trip!  The airplanes, restaurants, hotel, Disney transportation, rides, shows, everything!  They are the perfect ages to enjoy the parks.

Ian was still smitten with the Disney Characters and he couldn't get enough of the rides.  Trent was super excited that so many people love Star Wars and he loved LegoLand.  It was a busy trip and we were all tired when we got home, but I wouldn't have changed it for anything!  We are back to our regular routines, but when school is out the boys and I will start our scrapbook!  We can talk and laugh and remember our great week of Spring Break 2012 in sunny Florida!

4.03.2012

Thanks



I would like to thank all my friends and family who remembered today. Your cards, emails, text messages and calls really meant a lot to me.
The warm sunshine and chilly breeze today made me think of our last "family day" with Brad. Brad had borrowed a boat from a friend and brought it to the house. The boys were so excited to have a boat just parked in our driveway. Ian helped Brad wash it and both boys would look out the windows at it and ask over and over when we were taking it out. I think Ian told everyone he encountered that his dad was taking him out on a boat. (Even the clerk at the grocery store.) Originally we were going to take a trip to a local lake resort, but school had just started and we were really busy. So, we drove 15 minutes north and put in at a public access of the Potomac River in Maryland.
Brad was almost as excited as the boys to get that boat in the water. I remember our ride to the river. Brad was a little nervous driving his big truck with someone else's boat in tow. He would get frustrated with other drivers and the boys laughed and laughed at him! When we got to the public access ramp, Brad backed the truck and boat trailer down and we discovered that I would have to drive his gigantic truck up the ramp as the boat slid off. That was a great truck, one I could hardly get up into, and one I had never driven. That truck had a lot of power and we all laughed when I squealed tires up the ramp!
There were only a few other boats on the water and it was so peaceful. The boys tried tubing. They were both so excited and talked about it for a long time. Brad blew up the tube and Trent looked at Ian and said, "you go first." Brad and I laughed at Ian who did just what his older brother told him. It was so much fun just riding up and down the river with the wind in our faces! We were trolling along when a Bald Eagle swept down to the water and pulled out a fish not too far from our boat. We found him down river in a tree and watched as he ate his dinner. As avid Eagle-cam watchers, Brad and I thought that was so cool!
It was just such a fun family experience and I am so glad that we went. It is a great memory for the boys and I. I just remember lots of laughter, the wind in our faces and the peaceful water. It is a beautiful memory.
Today Brad would have turned 38. I didn't miss him any more or less today than I have every day since he passed away.
Happy Birthday Brad. We love you.

3.11.2012

GREAT NEWS!!

There are a few reasons I haven't written for a while, but mainly because this Lent I decided to try to spend less time on the computer and more time with the kids. I am working hard to make our down time quality time! Although sometimes it seems like we don't have a lot of down time these days, I do what I can!

Last week we really made tracks with the end of wrestling season for Trent and the beginning of Mighty Mites Basketball for Ian, we met with the councelor again, I had my bone and CT scans, I began the process of refinancing the house, got the house appraised, closed Brad's Estate, attended a 'Mass of Explaination' for Trent's First Communion, went with Trent on a field trip, I had chemo (thanks to Neupogen) and I started another round of radiation, and got several things wrapped up at work!

It was a busy week, but we did it and everything seemed to fall into place! Once again, I have to thank everyone in my family who helped put all the pieces into place. I have a cold and have had a few days when I felt a little puny, but for the most part I am getting along pretty well. Sometimes in the afternoon I hit a 'wall' and realize I just can't go any further. So I take a break. The radiation on my arm is a breeze and it is treating a tumor that I have known was there for a long time, but it is important to get it treated before it fractures. Ten days of radiation and I'm done.

Today was a beautiful day! After wrestling in the morning the boys and dad got a few things done in the yard and we ran a few errands. The boys rode their bikes and scooters and I sat in the sun. It must be something about the Vitamin 'D' because it really made me feel better!

Here is the best part of my week...drum roll.......

I just sat down to read my email for the first time since Friday and there was a message from my doctor:

Subject: GREAT NEWS
Your SCAN LOOKS GREAT! YEA!

Enough Said.

2.15.2012

Happy Valentine's Day!





It is going to be a short blog tonight! I have been trying to keep up with the boys and work and the house and paperwork. It is great to say that we are up to the 'same old same old!' It is so hard for me to believe that Valentine's Day has come and gone. I had a great date with my Valentines (Trent, Ian, and my dad). We all enjoyed 'My True Love Cake' that I make once a year on Valentine's Day. We celebrated with a homemade dinner on Monday night because I was off and we didn't have practice. It turned out to be the perfect decision as Trent ended up with a stomach bug that lasted for a few days. He is much better now!

Tonight is date night! The boys and I are snuggled in bed watching a movie! I hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day!




2.09.2012

My Breast Cancer Story

I remember being newly diagnosed and wanting to hear every cancer story from each survivor that I met. I did a lot of reading and I tried to talk to other patients who seemed willing to share their journey with me. I don't know if this is too much information or not enough. But, if you or someone you know is newly diagnosed, feel free to share this with him or her. Also feel free to have them contact me if they have other questions that I may be able to answer. I am not a doctor, I cannot give any medical advice. I can just share my experiences and hope that they can help someone else anticipate possible steps they may face.


My case goes something like this:

My original diagnosis was in September 2003; I was 28, brad and I had been married for 14 months & Trent was a baby. I found a lump while I was pregnant, but the doctors told me it was nothing and it was typical for a new mother to have lumps and bumps. I pointed it out when I went to all those prenatal appointments and two of them took me serious enough to examine it before they told me, it was nothing. By the time I was persistent enough to demand a mamogram, Trent was three months old and the tumor had already spread to my lymph nodes under my arm. I was diagnosed as a stage 3 and the biopsy showed that my tumor was Estrogen positive.


The general surgeon that did my biopsy started said his office would contact me with a surgery date. My mom had lost her battle with cancer nine months before my diagnosis so I had a little schooling on cancer. I asked him how many other 20-something breast cancer patients he had ever seen. When he told me that he thought someone in his practice has seen a woman in her mid thirties a few months ago, I started to get nervous. I also told the surgeon that I would feel more comfortable if I could see a medical oncologist before I had surgery. He refused andtold me that wasn't the way they did things there. I told him I would be by the next morning to pick up my records. And, the next day I got my records and went to the hospital and picked up my films from Winchester Medical Center. I called Hopkins and met the director of the Breast Cancer Center and "interviewed" a few doctors there. Although I totally agree that there are great doctors everywhere, at the time (and still now) Johns Hopkins is where I belong.


After scans to be sure the cancer had not spread outside of the tumor (which was about the size of a chicken egg) and lymph nodes, I began chemotherapy. I had Adriamycin/Cytoxan (AC), four rounds every other week; then Taxol, four rounds every other week. During my eight weeks of AC, I felt tired and sick. Almost like I had the flu. The taxol made my bones ache. I also gave myself Neupogen shots to help out my white count so I could keep up with the chemo schedule. At the time, chemo before surgery was a cutting-edge method of treating breast cancer, it is now the norm for many cancers. Brad and I marveled as the chemo shrunk the tumor to almost nothing.


A few weeks after the completion of my chemo I had a mastectomy and lymph node removal. Never having surgery, I was too scared to have the tram flap reconstruction and opted for a saline implant instead. During my mastectomy, the plastic surgeon placed in an expander which would later be replaced with the actual implant.


After healing from the surgery I had 5 weeks of radiation on my chest wall. I was on a drug called Tamoxifen (an Aromatase inhibitor that blocks the bodys ability to make estrogen) for two years then I stopped and got pregnant with my second son, Ian. When Ian was a few months old, I resumed the Tamoxifen.


In May 2008, Ian was 16 months old and I was almost 5 years from my original diagnosis when the cancer came back. This time it was in my left femur, right pelvis, and I had a spot on my rib. I was now a stage 4 cancer patient. My oncologist explained that I would always have cancer, but that there are many treatment options available. I met a fabulous radiation oncologist in Martinsburg and received daily radiation on my right pelvis. My orthopedic oncologist at Hopkins put a rod down through the center of my femur to keep it from breaking, then I received radiation on the femur. I also had my ovaries removed. They changed my Tamoxifen to Femara (another Aromatase inhibitor) daily pills.


Things were quiet until October 2010 when I suddenly started feeling this weird pressure fluctuation in my head. I got dizzy one day with this weird sensation and threw up at work. The sensation in my head was caused by a brain tumor and when I threw up, the force fractured my left pelvis where I had a lesion. My oncologist introduced me to a very talented brain surgeon and the brain tumor was removed without issue. I received a very targeted radiation at Hopkins, then an MRI revealed that there was cancer in the lining around my brain so I was given total brain radiation. Healing the pelvis required a lot of sitting and after the brain surgery, I was diagnosed with a blood clot in my leg. I was in the hospital for a week while they gave me an IV drip to resolve the issue. After a lot of rest and patience, my pelvis got gradually stronger and I was able to go from a wheelchair to a walker to a cane. They didn't think I would walk again but I returned my wheelchair in the spring.

I then began taking a pill form of chemotherapy called Xeloda. It was very convienent to take at home, but it was very hard on my stomach and for the first time in my life I felt like food was my enemy. During that treatment I pointed out to my doctors that my shoulder was getting sore. A scan revealed several lesions that were quickly healed by radiation. This past summer I had another incident. I was walking down the hall at work when pain shot down my leg and I started losing feeling in my thigh. Turns out a little lesion on my spine was irritating the nerve that sends signals to my leg. Again, so radiation cleared up the lesion and it was gone.

My latest trick was the fluid around my heart which called for a life flight to my oncologist at Hopkins. That was in the beginning of November of 2011. But, they drained the fluid, put in a pericardial window, left a drain tube in my chest for a few weeks, got me all patched up, and sent me home. They changed me to a chemo drip called Eribulin and put in a port. I love the port and it is working so much better than getting stuck in my one good arm all the time! We are trying to find a chemo schedule that my body can tolerate. I am still giving myself blood thinner shots twice a day and will be adding Neupogen again to try to help my white count keep up with the schedule.

Last week I found out that the reason my right arm doesn't work right is that there is a tumor on my forearm and maybe a fracture. My doctor was shocked as she had explained that people don't get 'arm cancer' as she was writing the script for the x-ray. Yeah....apparently I'm the only one who gets arm cancer. LOL! So, we will look into that in the coming weeks.

WOW. That was a lot. If you found it long and boring; I am sorry. If you are working through cancer and need more specifics; let me know. To Dad and my bestest friend Aly - I know you will remember things that I forgot. One thing to remember about all of this is that my family and I have been doing this for 8 1/2 years. I have still been a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. There are days I go to bed and I know I could have done better, but like everyone else in this world I just try to do my best. If you are a survivor, you can do it. Sometimes we have had to work life around cancer and sometimes we have had to work cancer around our lives. Find a doctor YOU feel good about and keep moving forward!

2.08.2012

Got it!

I was able to receive my chemo today! As usual, I received two pre-meds that are dripped via IV through my port. One is an anti-nausea drug that makes me drowsy and the other is a steriod that gets me buzzed up. As some of you know (and I may have mentioned in this blog) I am not a fan of the steriod, but I am learning to take the good with the bad. I now know the pattern...tonight, tomorrow and Friday I will be buzzed up with a great appetite and energy; Saturday and Sunday I will slow down; Monday I will feel really cruddy; Tuesday everything will frustrate me; Wednesday I will cry about something bizarre; Thursday I will be back to normal! It's the steriod that gets me. I don't think the actual chemo drug does anything but make me sleepy.

Overall this was a pretty uneventful chemo. It was a snowy ride home. Although it was difficult to see sometimes, it didn't stick to the roads and we enjoyed the beautiful winter scenery! Although it was dark when we got home, we could see that the trees in the yard were beautifully decorated with snow. School dismissed early this afternoon so Trent was happy with some extra time with Memaw and Pepaw.

I am feeling really good and the kids and I have been making Valentines and doing class projects. And, during my steriod sponsored energy splurge, I think we will make some cookies for the wrestling match then work on 'My True Love Cake' that I make once a year on Valentine's Day for them. Our councelor came to the house the other day and they got a chance to visit with him. I feel like we are doing well. Life is good!

2.01.2012

No go on the chemo!



My doctor e-mailed me yesterday to let me know that, once again, my white count is too low for chemo. It sounds funny but initially it feels like a slap in the face, like my body is not cooperating with 'my plan.' I get frustrated because I have to change all my appointments for blood draws, doctors visits, and upcoming chemo. Then I get sad because I wonder if this course of treatment is just too tough for my body to handle. And, finally I remember that there is always next week! I get an extra day this week to go to work, take the kids to school, and I have one extra evening to get something done!



Over the last two weeks we have been settling into our winter routine of school, work, wrestling and trying to get organized around the house. I think we are making headway! Ian has helped build two shoe rackets (see my post about Ian-isms). Actually both boys have been very helpful as has my dad and brother. My mother-in-law got me some of those bags that you load up and suck the air out of and they are too cool! It is a work in progress, and I still have many closets to go through. But, if I don't start my spring cleaning now, it will never get finished!



Also, in the past two weeks I have been communicating with two women who are relatively new to the world of breast cancer. One friend's mother is newly diagnosed and the other is finding herself navigating the challenges of being a young breast cancer patient. Over the years lots of friends and friends of friends have contacted me about my breast cancer. It may seem odd, but I always feel at a loss. Every breast cancer diagnosis is as unique as the survivor herself and I am not a doctor. I learned a long time ago that these women weren't contacting me to hear pacifying ancedotes or medical statistics. They were calling me to get the real scoop. From the inside. So, now I try to be as frank and honest as I can. If they are to receive a drug or treatment that I have received, I try to give it to them straight. Then I pray that that is the right thing to do.



One of my friends was trying to put my cancer timeline together so maybe I will make that my next post. For now, I am going to get dinner on the table and enjoy my evening! Have a great week everyone!

1.26.2012

A good January!







Wow! It has be a while since I have written. I know it has been too long when I start getting e-mails. This has been a good month for us! Since I last wrote, Ian celebrated his 5th birthday and lost his first tooth! He is growing up so fast and is such a silly little guy! He certainly keeps me on my toes. Although he started wrestling, I think the sport is a little too intense for him this year, so he is going to sit out until next year. Something a little less serious, like soccer, is on his list for the spring.


Trent continues to wrestle and he is doing really well! He really enjoys it, and I love to watch him working hard. His record is 3 wins, 3 losses but his confidence is really building so I think this will be a good year! He was a little disappointed at the end of the grading period to learn that he did get one 'B', but I thought that was excellent! He is very excited to be learning cursive writing. (I can remember being excited about that too.)


This month I have tried to concentrate on spending time with the boys. I wanted to have some one-on-one time to talk, but I mostly try to listen. Ian and I had 'date night' while Trent spent the night with a friend, then Ian had a sleepover with Memaw and Pepaw so Trent and I could have 'date night.' They get to pick where we eat and the DVD we watch and I try to help the conversation along. I think they seem much more relaxed and I really enjoy spending time with them.


Last week I met with a councelor and he helped me with some conversation starters for the boys. He has known our families (both Brad's and mine) since I was a child and I think he will be a great third party for the boys to talk to. He is going to help us through the healing process while navigating the future together.


I have been feeling pretty good. I am trying to keep up with the routine. On Sunday evening I sit down and write out a daily schedule of rides, practices, school schedules, paperwork, meals, and appointments. I spend the week looking at that list and trying not to forget things. I did miss a chemo in January because my white blood cell count was very low. I was a little disappointed, but they tell me that there isn't anything I can do to make it better. My doctor made some adjustments to the dose and frequency. The following week, my count had rebounded and I got my chemo without issue! Chemo is scheduled again next Wednesday so I am hoping that my bloodwork is good and we can get into a pattern.


January has also been a good month for cleaning and the boys and dad have been helping me clean out and get organized. I have a new list of projects and I am trying to squeeze them in! There is just nothing like crossing things off a list to motivate this girl! I hope everyone is having a productive January too!

1.04.2012

My favorite thing

Christmas, New Years, and my 37th birthday have come and gone.

One of my friends posted birthday wishes on my Facebook page and asked what my favorite part of my birthday was. It only took me a few minutes to realize that the best part of my birthday was that it was the start of getting back to normal. Brad's death in mid-September was a total shock and, by the time my head started to wrap around what had happened, it was Halloween. Four days after Halloween I was life flighted to Hopkins for a week long stay in the hospital. Then there was trying to deal with 'life' and cancer and paperwork while still trying to wrap my head around Brad's death. Then it was Thanksgiving and decorating and trying to keep up with our family traditions and school plays and school parties and Christmas. Then it was celebrating and keeping on my happy face. We celebrated my birthday with a big dinner a day early since everyone was returning to work and school on the 3rd.

So here is what was so special about my birthday: I woke up in my bed at 5:45am after a night of good sleep, I took a shower without needing help or using my shower seat, I walked into the kids rooms and woke them up, I organized wrestling bags and bookbags, I drove them to school, and I went to work. My co workers bought me lunch and a red velvet cheesecake and I was able to eat both! The pediatrician called to tell me Trent's brain MRI was normal which made me want to jump up and party! I went home a little early and did two loads of laundry without help and started cleaning the toys up in the basement. When the boys got home from practice I sent them upstairs to shower, then read them a story. Then I got changed and put myself in bed, told Brad that I loved him and I miss him every day. Then I went to sleep.

If you would have asked me ten years ago what I would want to do on my 37th birthday, who knows what I would have said. But, for the here-and-now, in the life that I lead, it was a great day. It was what I pray for every day...another day with the people that I love and who love me. I wish everyone love and happiness in 2012!!

12.29.2011

'Tis the Season





We had a wonderful Christmas this year! It was a group effort and it turned out great! The boys were really excited and seeing their faces full of anticipation made me look in the sky to see if Santa really was on his way! They were both so excited on Christmas Eve to pick out the cookies (thanks Aunt Carol and Mary) that they thought Santa would like best! It was so magical for them and I can't explain how precious these Christmas memories will be. On Christmas morning Santa had put out lots of presents (thanks Doug) and they were up at 4:30am to see if it was time to go downstairs! I made them wait until 5am before realizing that no one was going back to sleep (thanks dad for being a good sport).



We had a relaxing morning around the tree, with great breakfast casseroles (thanks Lisa, Teresa, and Cindy) and lots of assembling and building. My in-laws came up to enjoy the day with us and it was perfect! We are taking it easy this holiday season and we are having a lot of fun!



If you invited us to a party this season and we declined, I want to let you know that the week before Christmas I was denied chemotherapy because my white counts were too low. I had been fighting a cold and endured two back-to-back weeks of the chemo drug. My doctors asked me to be careful about going places with lots of people in close quarters. It was kind of a blessing in disguise as I was able to relax and we were able to keep Christmas low-key. I was pleasantly surprised with great counts this week and the boys continued to enjoy new toys while dad and I went to Hopkins today for chemo and the pleurix tube was removed!



We are looking forward to seeing my brothers and their families this weekend for a 'good old-fashioned Gusic family Christmas.' Then we will attempt to stay up late and watch the ball drop. I have lots of hopes and dreams for 2012. It is going to be a good year!


I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas that you enjoy many blessings in the coming New Year!

12.20.2011

Beware the Bear

I did promise a few funny stories. This is one of my favorites and I usually have a hard time telling it without laughing.


It was Labor Day weekend, 2008. My cancer had come back in the spring and we had been dealing with surgeries and medicine changes and a little bit of stress all summer. Our wonderful friends and next door neighbors invited us to their cabin in beautiful Pocahontas County. They had asked us several times before, but this time we REALLY needed to get away. Most of her family, complete with lots of kids the boys ages, would be there and we were very excited!


There was so much for the boys to do and the first day was so much fun! We got there, unloaded, played on the swings, caught salamanders at the pond, rode the trails, walked down to the river, did a little fishing, and lots of visiting. It was just beautiful and they all treated us like part of their family. The fresh air made us all tired and well after the sun had set we headed to the guest room. There were two twin beds; one for Trent and Brad; one for Ian and I. Ian wasn't even two yet and he had a tough time falling asleep, by the time he fell asleep Brad was snoring so loud that Trent started to complain, then Trent fell asleep so soundly that we were all awakened a few hours later when Brad shot out of bed to shout, "Trent just peed on me." Needless to say, it was not a restful night.


The next day, after a lot of outside fun and a wonderful bonfire cookout, we opted to head home instead of staying another night. It was late and the boys fell asleep quickly. As we rode along, Brad and I chatted and listened to the radio. Suddenly, I started feeling like my stomach was being tied in knots. With all my meds, I never really knew why I would have these attacks, but I did know that I was going to need a bathroom...soon! It was the middle of the night and we were on some very remote roads. Brad promised that there was a store up ahead. By the time we got to the store, I was shaking and sweating. The store was CLOSED. There was nothing. Not even a port-a-pot near the picnic area.


As we pulled out of the parking lot, Brad promised that there would be someplace several miles down the road. Suddenly, I realized that I could not last any longer. After several failed attempts to find a place to pull over, he found something. As soon as that truck came to a stop, I hopped out, closed the door, ran toward the woods, and dropped trou. I didn't have any clue where we were, it was pitch dark, and I think that is the sickest I have ever been. Brad rolled down the window a little and said, "hurry up, someone is going to come." I tried to think of something clever like, 'I am having such a fun time I thought I'd stay out here,' but when I looked up to reply, the window was already rolled up. It was then I realized that the truck was shaking. Because he was laughing so hard.


I collected myself and got back in the truck. I think Brad wasn't sure if I would be mad or not so we rode in silence for quite some time. Then he started laughing, a real uncontrollable laugh that he couldn't hold in anymore. What I hadn't realized is that we were in a park-n-ride area when we pulled over. Brad could hardly contain his laughter while saying: "the DNR is going to be on high alert for some dying bear when they see that on Tuesday." Then we both laughed. And for every trip after, he was sure to point out the park-n-rides and ask if I needed to stop.

12.18.2011

Selfless Giving




This past year has been, among other things, a huge learning experience for me. I'm sure you can imagine what I am talking about. I could spread things out and make an entire four-year college curriculum from the things life has taught me this year. But I think I learned the biggest lesson last night.



This fall and winter we have been helped by so many people. On the top of my list is always my dad and my in-laws who I couldn't live without. There are also friends and family who have taken care of mowing, cleaning, working in the yard, and helping with the kids. I haven't had to worry about where are meals are going to come from. It seems that food just appears out of no where. There is my best friend, Aly, who visits me and is always there for me to bounce ideas off of...never judging...always being the best friend a girl can have! A group of Brad's terrific friends who spent an entire Saturday working on unfinished parts of the basement and got it looking great! We had friends take us to The Lion King Broadway production (something I have always wanted to see). We have had total strangers fix the car, assessors give us values, dry clean our coats; without accepting payment. And I can't forget about the Saylor Family Fun Night that my co-workers and friends worked so hard to put together.



I guess pride makes it hard for me to accept these acts of kindnesses without being embarassed. Brad and I were always proud that we could go it alone, make things work, and get through anything. But someone once told me, "Toni, when you give to someone else, it gives you joy. So don't steal that joy from someone else. Be gracious and don't steal their joy."




A few weeks ago I started getting emails from a woman at our church. We are members of a large Catholic church and I hate to say it, but I don't know all our church family members by name, but I never forget a face. So, when she friended me on facebook, I knew who she was, but we didn't know each other. She had a group of 'elves' who wanted to help our kids have a memorable Christmas and she needed a little information. Well, what she did with that 'little information' was amazing.


Last night the doorbell rang and 'elves' sprinted back across the yard...trying to keep their identy a secret. The boys went to answer the doorbell and started yelling and bringing in package after package. They were happy to see the note from Santa that said they could open them right then as long as it was OK with me. As they started separating the presents into piles, I looked out the window to see people with candles walking toward the front porch. The 'elves' had picked up some friends and we had the pleasure of listening to about 60 beautiful carolers. There was a guitar and bell choir as well! Standing on the porch looking at them with their candles and santa hats, realizing some of them I knew but others I didn't; I learned one more lesson.


This lesson is called selfless giving to a total stranger. I can't believe someone who doesn't even know me would go through such great lengths to help me make this a memorable Christmas for my kids. They will remember standing there with me long after I am gone. Just like the Saylor Family night, they are going to talk about it all the time. It also made me think that selfless giving is something I do not do nearly enough. Last night I started to ask myself, if the tables were turned, would I have spent so much time during the holiday season trying to help out someone I didn't know to have a Merrier Christmas? I am really embarassed to admit that I am pretty sure the answer would have been 'no'.



I always tried to be generous, but the truth is that I could do more. It has been difficult for me to swallow my pride and be a gracious receiver this year. But, the truth is that I needed you. All of you. This has been hard and I could never have gotten through this fall without the love and support of people I know as well as those that I don't. We have been receiving, but we are in great shape now. It is time for me to give it back, pay it forward, practice what I preach. I would like to thank Marti and her elves for showing me how I too can be creative and help someone who is in need....even someone I don't really know.


To you guys who read my blog, I want to thank you. And I want you to know that we are going to be OK! But, if you would really like to help us this Christmas, look around for another family or another person who is lonely, or missing a loved one, or is sick and help them out on behalf of us. Father Brian always tells us that Christmas is not a day....it is a season. So, we still have plenty of time. I will be trying to teach my boys another memorable lesson this Christmas. Something I forget sometimes....it is truly better to give than receive.

12.13.2011

The best



I had a huge amount of respect for her...and a little bit of fear of her too. I never wanted to disappoint her. She was a wonderful motivator and I knew she was my biggest fan. She was super organized and I always knew that she had my back. She worked so hard to make every holiday special. Each and every birthday was a celebration. She was honest and kind. She taught me everything I know about having strength and knowing when to fight. She grew up poor, but always made her childhood stories sound so rich. My dad was the love of her life. She taught me how to walk, how to study, and how to weed out 'the good ones.' She was my best friend.



It was through her fight with cancer that I learned that you can push through a lot of pain and fear to try to find a normal balance in life. In her final days she taught me not to be afraid. She gave me faith. We would have never imagined how much I would need those final lessons. I try to talk about her often so the boys will know how great she was. I was so blessed to have such a wonderful mother for 28 years. She was the best.




Gwendolyn Blackmon Gusic

February 18, 1951-December 13, 2002

12.11.2011

Christmas Eve Chemo

One of our favorite chemo stories happened on Christmas Eve 2003. It was Trent's first Christmas and my chemo session happened to fall on Christmas Eve. We debated on whether or not to adjust the days, but it just seemed easier to go ahead and work chemo into Christmas Eve. With my original diagnosis, I had four sessions of one kind of chemo then four sessions of another type of drug. Christmas Eve was to be the first session of the second drug. So, I had already weathered four sessions and my dad and Scott had taken turns taking me. We had all just been through a year of cancer treatments with my mom and we all knew that chemo can mean a VERY long day.

If you had the pleasure of knowing Brad, you would have known that, if given the choice between a day of manual labor and 15 minutes waiting in a doctors office, he would take the manual labor. Hands down. Brad was off on Christmas Eve and insisted on taking his turn with a chemo trip. I tried to talk him out of it, but he insisted that this would be fine! He assured me that it would all work out and he could do it. He didn't mind waiting on the chemo and felt sure we could still make it home to take Trent to a family party that evening. They had told me that the chemo would take three hours and he had it all calculated perfectly!

So, Christmas Eve morning we headed to Baltimore and sat and waited to see the doctor, then we sat and waited for the pharmacy to mix the drugs, then we sat and waited for an open chemo seat, then we sat and waited for an IV, then we sat and waited for the pre-meds to drip. I thought he was doing a great job at waiting. Every so often I would see his leg bounce a little and he would wring his hands, but he didn't say anything. Then the nurse came in with a giant bag, hung it on the pole and said, "OK Mrs. Saylor, now that will drip for three hours, we will flush you, and you can be on your way." I literally thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head!

I still smile when I think of how we drove home at the speed of light that night. I don't quite remember how fast we went, but I do know that although Brad accompanied me to lots of doctors appointments after that, he didn't accompany me to another chemo! When we would laugh about it he would just say, "come on...I was 29-years-old taking my wife to chemo. It was our baby's first Christmas and I had just spent 8 hours of my life in a doctors office on a very uncomfortable chair! What heartless trooper would give a ticket to a guy like that!" He was so much fun and our stories still make me laugh!!

12.01.2011

Chemo...round whatever...ding ding

The port went in fine last Tuesday and on Wednesday my brother and his family came in for Thanksgiving. We all gathered at Scott's on Thursday to celebrate Thanksgiving. It was a great meal and a wonderful visit. As much as I love Christmas, it is hard to beat a holiday that is all about visiting with friends and family, eating, and watching football! Brad and I enjoyed the eating and then scouring the sale ads, trying to stretch those Christmas Club dollars as far as they would go. I guess that's why I got them. The blues.

I realized over the past week that when the sun came up I was wishing it would go back down again. The mornings have been hard, but once I get in a good cry I can get up and get on with my day. Maybe it is the holidays or maybe it is the coming to closure of some of the things on my enormous list of 'to dos,' or maybe it is just part of the process. Whatever it is, I've just been more on the sad side of life and I really miss Brad. I'm sure he doesn't realize it, but my dad taking the kids to school each morning has totally saved me. I could never get them there on time right now.

Then there was the start of a new chemo yesterday. I don't know why, but I always get a little anxious when I start a new chemo drug. You would think that after eight years of this I would be over it...but I'm not. Yesterdays chemo was a turn point for me. My appointment was in the afternoon so we didn't leave Martinsburg until 1pm. Which gave me time for my cry, shower, and straightening up the house. Dad brought me some crab legs. (I know that sounds luxurious but one pound tastes good and stays in. My other food is rice and bagels.) We ran some errands and were off.

We sailed into Hopkins to meet with my doctor. I have lots of anti-nausea meds and strict orders to forget everything I ever learned about eating. I keep losing weight and, although I am a pretty big girl, it is time to stop the trend. She promotes little servings with lots of calories. "Whole cream in your coffee, add a scoop of ice cream to your smoothy, eat good protiens," she said. I used to have dreams about a doctor telling me that!

By the time I was out of the chemo chair it was after 5pm and we knew the traffic would be one big snarl. So, dad and I headed to the cafeteria for some dinner. For the record I did eat almost all of a 6 inch turkey sub...go me! Realizing that it was getting close to shift change, we went upstairs to the 5th floor where I stayed when I was hospitalized. The nurses had called to say we left our phone charger. I used that as an excuse to go up. I really don't care about the charger, but I REALLY wanted to see them. I couldn't belive that they remembered me! It was so good to see them! I hated that I missed seeing some of them but the hugs and smiling faces of the nurses I did get to see made me feel so good and, well, happy!

Another thing happened during chemo yesterday. I was sitting in the chemo chair and started thinking about Brad, so I told dad a story and I laughed. It felt so good. And I thought of another on the way home and I laughed even harder. I laughed so hard I could barely finish my sentences! I love to tell a good funny story about Brad and I. So, my next blogs are going to be some our funny times. I must note that they will seem funnier to people who have taken care of a cancer patient before.

We picked the boys up from Glen and Cindy's. They had them all washed up, in their pj's and ready for us! It was late and we had time for a story and then bed. Then I sat down and went through book bags, put things on the calendar, opened mail, dad heated the compress for my arm that is having issues, and then I opted to sleep in my bed instead of the recliner. I slept great and got out of bed when the boys started coming out of their rooms! I helped get them ready and I'm getting ready to head to work this morning. This has been a much better morning! I even found my smile!

In good timing, there is a Mass for Brad at church tonight. I will be there thanking him for all those funny stories we made together. I can replay them a million times in my mind. When I get stuck with the blues, those stories will make me feel like he is right here with me, pushing me to get up and get going. Life is waiting.

11.21.2011

The good fight

Someone asked me to give some details of the pictures of my last post. They are all from the Saylor Family Fun Night. Since I am so organized, I ended up with my camera charged and ready, but I forgot to put the memory card in it! Go figure! So, Aly was my photographer! The bottom picture is of Ian with his first face painting. I thought they did a great job and he was a pretty cute tiger! You can ask my brother, Don, how easy it was to get the facepaint off!

The middle picture shows my boss calling out raffle numbers while Trent and Ian help hand out prizes. The other gentleman helping is Mr. Randy Smith. You may see Randy on TLC's show How the Lottery Changed my Life. A little over a year ago, Mr. Smith hit the lottery jackpot. I'm not sure how much he won, but I can say that he has be extremely generous with his money. He has donated to a lot of local charities including the Humane Society, Hospice of the Panhandle, the Martinsburg Police and Fire Departments, and Martinsburg-Berkeley County Parks & Recreation, just to name a few. He has given millions back to the community where he was born and raised. The boys had a good time handing out the prizes with Steve and Randy, two great role models in our community!

The top is a picture of my friend Jim and I. I met Jim in college while he was dating one of my friends. He was one of the funniest people I had ever met. In July 2010, after reading some of his posts on Facebook, I sent Jim a message. He had been diagnosed with cancer and we started e-mailing back and forth. He and his wife Jessica also have two small boys so we had plenty to talk about. We would e-mail about the kids, about the guilt we felt putting so much pressure on our spouses, getting nervous about test results, different procedures and scans. I guess it all goes with that old, 'misery loves company' addage.

I was so surprised to see Jim at the Saylor Family Night. He drove quite a distance to be there and I think he had a good time visiting with some of our Wesleyan friends! With his treatment, he was obviously totally bald and I have my lovely patchwork hair coming back. What a great photo opportunity! The fun night was held on a Saturday and Jim told me that he was a little nervous that weekend because on Monday he would get the results of his latest PET scan. He did and it revealed two tumors in his lungs so he was scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. His very brave wife posted yesterday (Sunday 11/20) to say that Jim had peacefully passed away. I am thankful to have known him and I pray for his wife and his boys, as I know all too well what they are going through. Jim, you fought the good fight, now you can rest in peace. You will be missed.