Dull? Whoever said my life was dull?

Let's start with Monday. It was Halloween and I went to Trent's Halloween Part, ran around a little while then proceeded with Trick-or-Treat. I think it is fair to say that we walked about a mile and a half, handed out candy, and visited before heading home. We literally just dropped our 'stuff' in the kitchen and got on with our week. On Wednesday at work I started feeling super tired. The kind of tired that makes you think you are getting a cold. By the afternoon I had my head on my desk and felt so fatigued! On Thursday I made it to take the boys to school just to return home and sleep and by Friday I knew something was going wrong as I was experiencing shortness of breath. So, Friday morning, dad took the kids to school and me to the Hagerstown Meritus Hospital Emergency Room. After a battery of tests, it was determined I had a large amount of fluid around my heart.

Between the coordination of both hospitals, it was decided that the safest thing would be to life flight me to Hopkins. Yes, that's right. Lifeflight. Now there is something I've never done before. It was really quite a nice flight and I was being wheeled into Hopkins before I knew it. We started with a needle to drain the fluid around my heart and now I have a drain. Yesterday they did several tests on my liver. So today we wait to see what is going on with my liver. They are going to remove the tube and surgically implant a 'window' intomy heart to assist with further draining. I'm not sure where we go from here, but it sounds like I will be here for a while.

Of course, my major concern is for the boys. Scott brought them to Baltimore yesterday and they stayed for a quite a while. Trent really wanted to come back so Michelle may be our shuttle bus today. I can't imagine how scary this must be for them. And so begins a new adventure for us. Please pray for me, Trent & Ian, my dad, Glen & Cindy, Michelle, Scott, and Don & Jackie. Something tells me it is going to be a long week!

Proud Mom

For the past two years Trent has been aiming for straight A's. Trent is smart and I know he is capable of anything he decides to do. He has had to work on concentrating on each task on his school work and not rushing through. We go over the papers that come home and we are working on good study habits. Each grading period he has ended up with at least one 'B,' typically in English. But this time he did it! All A's.

I'm not sure what made it so sweet: the fact that he achieved his goal or the fact that he was just so proud of himself. I could see the confidence in his eyes. All I could think of is that this kid has had his life turned around and upside down over the past six weeks and he did it! I believe he can do anything...and I'm hoping that now he thinks so too.

I was also super proud of what his teacher told me at our conference. She talked a little about his friends and how supportive this group of kids is of each other. Then she said that Trent is always the first one up to help. If she is carrying a box or someone needs help, he is up and ready. I saw this the other night when we went next door to join a big 'moving' party. Ian was running around with the kids and when I looked for Trent he was carrying things to the moving trailer. He is Brad. Brad was never much for standing around when there was work to be done. I see him in Trent so much and it makes my heart feel good.

It is so rewarding for me to watch him grow. I do depend on him for his strength, his help and his memory! Straight A's in 2nd grade may not seem like much to most people, but after these last couple of weeks that he has weathered, I couldn't be more proud!

(By the way, in the pictures above, Trent is in the top picture and the others are Brad.)

Find the joy

I consider myself to be a joyful person. A little dramatic sometimes and defiantly a type ‘A’ personality, but for the most part I’m happy. I am not good at sad. I can do it for a while, but then it gets old. Sometimes I’m good at feeling sorry for myself. Snapping me out of that was something Brad was great at. He would baby me for a little while and then let me know when it was time to get over myself and get on with my life. I would then focus on all the good things in my life and find my joy.

I remember a time last year when I had just had my brain tumor removed and my pelvis was fractured. He put the boys to bed and then helped me get cleaned up. As he was laying me in the bed I started to cry. I looked at him, still wearing his work clothes because he hadn’t had time to change; then around the room at the stacks of laundry. Then I thought about the dirty dishes still in the sink and I knew he was getting overwhelmed. He asked me if I was in pain and I told him no, but that maybe it would have been easier for everyone if the brain tumor had just taken me. He looked me square in the face and said, “you are full of shit.” And that was that. That was my queue to stop feeling sorry for myself and snap into shape. That night, when I got up I used my crutches to get to the bathroom instead of waking him up. I worked a little each day at getting better and started thinking about all the great things in my life.

I realized this weekend that I have been feeling sorry for myself lately. I’ve gotten frustrated, been grouchy, overwhelmed and whiny. It’s time to write some thank you notes and remind myself that so many people have been super supportive in so many ways.

This week I am going to work on happy. I want my boys to remember that no matter how bad you think things are, you can certainly find people who have it worse. I also want them to learn that when things are rough you really have to concentrate on your blessings. The joy is there; sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it!

How are you?

'How are you?' is a question I get asked many times each day. I usually respond with something like, 'oh, we are making it through,' or ' taking things one day at a time,' or 'we are doing fine.' There are a handful of people that I can frankly tell that there are many times I would like to run out into my yard and yell a few choice words as loud as I possibly can.

The other evening I started to think about it. Really, how am I? Well, sometimes I am sad. Really, really sad. But I can't fall apart at the seams because I typically have two little sets of eyes on me. So I let them see me sad, just not really really sad. Sometimes I am angry. Angry at me, angry at him, angry at the world. Sometimes I look at people and I wonder what it would feel like to have your mother and your husband with you...oh and to not have cancer. I'm not even jealous, I just wonder what it would feel like.

There are times that I am just plain caught off guard. Like last week when Trent and I were having lunch and he said, "you know mom, everyone in my class has a dad." And there are times when I look around and I think of how blessed I am. Like when friends come to mulch my gardens, clean my house, mow my lawn, help me look for things, feed us dinner, fix things around the house, and meet me for lunch. So many of my family have bent over backwards to see that our needs are met. That makes me feel loved.

I remember these feelings and their phases from losing my mom. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry. Sometimes the boys laugh and sometimes they cry. We talk and we pray and I try to help them through all the different ways they feel.

But, when the day is done and I put my head on the pillow at night I feel like half of me is missing. And I pray that one day when someone asks how I am doing I can honestly say I am doing great.

My tribute

When I was in 6th grade I had my first crush on a tall thin freckle faced 7th grader. In high school we became an item for a while and while I was away at college we would get together for dinner every so often. When I moved back to the area, we met up again and Brad and I got married on July 7, 2002. Our lives always led us back to each other. If that isn't divine intervention, I don't know what is.

We were soul mates. Boy we could make each other mad, but we sure laughed ourselves through some rough times. We could sit across the room, and with one look, know exactly what the other was thinking. We would sit on the front porch after the kids went to bed and solve all the world's problems. When my mom died I was devastated and he stood beside me, quietly being my support. He gave me two wonderful boys who will always remind me of him.

Eight years ago today, while Brad was flying back from business in Germany, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. When he got home, he looked at me and said, "Don't worry. It will be OK. We will get through this together." After my diagnosis, he found himself with many responsibilities that no new husband should have to do. But he did them. He knew when to hug me and when to give me some space. But most importantly he knew when to kick me in the butt, remind me when to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to get on with it! He got used to sudden plan changes when my cancer would flare up and I would often tease him about picking a lemon like me. Then we would laugh and move on!

It is easy to make promises, but Brad was a testament to keeping them. To a friend, a neighbor, a relative, a friend of a friend, it didn't matter. He was always ready to solve a problem of fix a need. Last night so many people turned out to give their condolences. My boys and I were so proud to see how many people cared about Brad. I hope it creates a memory for them that will last their entire lives.

People keep telling me how strong I am. To be honest, I think my strength came from him. He was my pillar of strength. He is still with me as he will forever live in my heart and in the hearts of the boys. We are soul mates, connect on a level that a lot of people don't understand. And I still feel him with me. I will miss those strong arms around my shoulders and now I will laugh alone. But I see him in the eyes of my children and he will help us through each day.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I cannot thank my brothers, Don and Scott, and their wives Jackie and Brittany enough for putting their lives on hold and helping with so many details. To my dad who lost his father when he was 9 and has weathered the death of my mom. He has been a total comfort, sounding board, and source of information to us. I am thankful for Brad's parents and sister who have been so supportive and helpful. And to all the people who have brought food, mowed grass, filled the water softener, helped me clean. I just can't say 'thank you' enough for all the help I have received.

It is time for me to take a deep breath and get ready for the day.

Brad, you will always be my heart and I will love you forever.

Back to school

School started on August 23rd for my boys. With almost three weeks under our belts, we have fallen back into the 'old' routine of getting up early, reviewing school work at the dinner table, and going over spelling words in the car. This year, I was really sad to see them to go back to school and it wasn't just my normal dread of getting into the routine. This summer I really enjoyed hanging out with them and I knew I would miss our time together.

Trent is in 2nd grade this year and Ian goes to Pre-K four mornings a week. They are really growing up. I loved when they were chubby little babies, but this summer I realized how much I enjoy them now. We can go places without having to haul diapers and bottles and plan around nap schedules. I enjoy hearing their conversations and observations about the world and now they ask some of the funniest questions. They have each developed such unique personalities that make me wonder how two kids that came from the same parents can be so different.

Sure, toward the end of the summer they were getting a little tired of each other. On those days, I felt more like a referee than a mom. But for the most part we just enjoyed being together. We did bible school, went to a local water park, swam in the neighbors pool, went to baseball games and birthday parties, enjoyed the Outer Banks, went to a drive-in movie, spent time at the park, and sometimes just played at the house!

So now that we are back to the routine I have become the enforcer of bedtime, homework, clothes that match (thank goodness Trent wears a uniform), early morning rising, and chores. Trent still wants me to volunteer at the school . (Yes, he still kisses me in front of the school when I drop him off.) We have gotten our morning routine down to a science and are working together on a scrap book to remember all the fun we had this summer!

I must admit that I am looking forward to fall because it is my favorite season, but I do already miss those hot lazy days of summer and hanging out with my boys!

I really like your hair!

So, the other day a vendor came into my office and, as soon as she saw me said, "oh, I really like your hair." I wasn't in the mood to go into the long story about how it was a wig and then explain that I have cancer, so I just said 'thanks' and we moved on. When she left I started thinking about it and decided being bald isn't so bad. I have two wigs, both about the same color. One is straight and the other is curly so I do have a little variety. Wigs make getting ready in the morning super quick and I haven't had a frizzy hair day all summer!


With that said I still stand by my mantra from my first go-round with baldness all those years ago...'a bad hair day is better than a no-hair day.' So, I was excited last week when I realized that my head was itching! I had noticed that my eyebrows were growing back a few weeks ago and was so excited at the possibility that my hair was making a comeback. When you have spent time being bald, even the shortest hair seems lush and luxurious. The boys were happy to inspect my scalp and report that indeed stubble was starting to appear!! Visions of hair clips and blow drying starting to fill my head until Brad took a closer look. It seems that for some reason my hair is coming back in a 'male pattern baldness' way. The sides and back are full of stubble, while the top is still as smooth and shiny as a baby's behind!

I really thought that like last time, it would be an all or nothing thing: bald or hair. It never occurred to me that it would grow back half way. Good grief. It is really funny to look at though! I guess for Halloween all I will have to add is a red nose and a bicycle horn!

I wonder what the vendor will have to say the next time I see her!